Showing posts with label Update. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Update. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
I'm Not Stuck
Given all that I described in the last post, my hope was recently renewed when I realized that I’m not stuck. I am struggling, yes! And the journey right now is very difficult, but I’m not stuck. Many people experience these types of traumas in their life and it cripples them in a way that prevents them from excelling in life. They lose dreams and aspirations for more and become stuck; a product of the trauma. My hope is a direct result of the gospel truths. As I believe in and hope for many of the teaching of the gospel, I am given the strength to keep pushing forward. There is someone bigger and more powerful than anything else in this world watching over these events in my life. I do not know why this is the way it must be but I know God is overseeing; which if I believe that he is a loving God (and I try to) then this will be for my good. In other words, he will shape these events into something that will ultimately make me more and bring more to my life. Doesn’t make the suffering less, just makes the journey of suffering something that I want to overcome. At one point in my recovery, I remember feeling despair and having the distinct impressing that the adversary would love for me to be stuck. To stay in that place of hopelessness and despair; to stop fighting the daily darkness and just give in to it. I’m proud to say I haven’t. Yes, I am whining a lot along the way, I do not suffer well but I am still fighting to successfully complete this journey and ultimately live happily again.
From Unemployment to Self Employment
Well in February, David was officially laid off and we reluctantly entered into unemployment. After consideration of our options, we decided to partner with my brother and start our own landscape company.
Our new company is called, Executive Landscape Specialists, LLC – specializing in landscape maintenance, weed control and clean ups. It has been an interesting journey so far; not great, not bad, just interesting … I think because I just never expected to have our own business. Prior to moms’ death, my world was safe and that’s the way I liked it. Now, nothing is safe and I find us doing things that I would have strongly resisted.
David has also applied for the Border Patrol. He has passed the written examination, oral interview, medical examination and physical fitness test. We’ve completed and submitted a 61 page background information application along with his fingerprint clearance cards. Now we wait, I really have no idea what we’re in for … whatever!?
In the meantime, I have begun doing work from home for the law office to supplement our income. I feel good to use the non-mommy side of my brain; makes me feel smart and acceptable. I have also started doing nails again. About 10 years ago, my nail lady taught me how but I was working full time at the law office and didn’t have the time to commit to perfecting the skill. Got this itch and started again; I have had lots of practice with all the young women around me J My nieces especially love it; they have been begging me to do nails again for years! Seriously not a money maker but feeds some desire to be creative. Feels good to just practice a skill … maybe I’m just making a mental inventory of what skills I do have?
Just some of the blessing during our chaos!
Our new company is called, Executive Landscape Specialists, LLC – specializing in landscape maintenance, weed control and clean ups. It has been an interesting journey so far; not great, not bad, just interesting … I think because I just never expected to have our own business. Prior to moms’ death, my world was safe and that’s the way I liked it. Now, nothing is safe and I find us doing things that I would have strongly resisted.
David has also applied for the Border Patrol. He has passed the written examination, oral interview, medical examination and physical fitness test. We’ve completed and submitted a 61 page background information application along with his fingerprint clearance cards. Now we wait, I really have no idea what we’re in for … whatever!?
In the meantime, I have begun doing work from home for the law office to supplement our income. I feel good to use the non-mommy side of my brain; makes me feel smart and acceptable. I have also started doing nails again. About 10 years ago, my nail lady taught me how but I was working full time at the law office and didn’t have the time to commit to perfecting the skill. Got this itch and started again; I have had lots of practice with all the young women around me J My nieces especially love it; they have been begging me to do nails again for years! Seriously not a money maker but feeds some desire to be creative. Feels good to just practice a skill … maybe I’m just making a mental inventory of what skills I do have?
Just some of the blessing during our chaos!
Friday, September 19, 2008
Hello Again!
Ya know when you feel overwhelmed because you have so much to do you don't even know where to start? Well, that's how I feel about blogging right now. I haven't blogged in so long (like 3 months) I'm conflicted with whether I should go backwards and catch up or just start from today .....? I've decided to do a little of both!
Here's what I would have blogged about but didn't:
Ammon's 1st Birthday
Vacation- Camping @ the Beach
Jacob's 3rd Birthday
Noah & Jacob begin preschool
Lacey's begins 3rd Grade
Counseling
Girls Weekend
Eventually, I hope to get to blog about each of these .... when is the only question. Ya see, I really don't like blogging for the 1 reason that I am not creative by nature. I can be creative but it takes me a long time and I just don't have extra time laying around waiting to be used. If there is a moment of "me time" I'm working on my grief work or doing what I can to self soothe through the difficult days.
Here's what I would have blogged about but didn't:
Ammon's 1st Birthday
Vacation- Camping @ the Beach
Jacob's 3rd Birthday
Noah & Jacob begin preschool
Lacey's begins 3rd Grade
Counseling
Girls Weekend
Eventually, I hope to get to blog about each of these .... when is the only question. Ya see, I really don't like blogging for the 1 reason that I am not creative by nature. I can be creative but it takes me a long time and I just don't have extra time laying around waiting to be used. If there is a moment of "me time" I'm working on my grief work or doing what I can to self soothe through the difficult days.
How Am I?
I know that many of you have used the blog as a way to keep tabs on me and I love you for it. Since I haven't been blogging I have received emails and text messages inquiring on my emotional well being.
I love my new counselor! From the first session, I have felt very soothed by her. She challenges me to journal my feelings and get to the real source of various questions or pain. I have learned that Grief requires WORK and Trauma is not something you get over, it is something you work through! I love that, because I was becoming so discouraged with the amount of time that had passed and the depth of pain that still plagued me. I think I expected that after sufficient time had passed, I would wake up one day and be okay or reconciled with my grief. This is CLEARLY not the case. The more time that passes the more devestated I am with the reality that she is not coming back. (Yes people, deep down inside I am still hoping for her to come back. I know the Lord has the ability, why not?)
I also have come to believe that by doing my grief work, I will eventually adjust to a new normal and be reconciled with my loss. Recovery for me is to come back to life on the inside and look forward to living in the future. This "end" has been so far out of sight for me that I didn't believe it exsisted. Now I am trying to not focus on when I will get to that point or the fact that despite the work and pain, I am still not there. Just trying to focus on the present. How am I today? What are my needs, self care? Only look at the next 3 or 4 steps I need to take.
I still cry nearly everyday and I am always 1 feeling away from tears but I am learning how to cope with these feelings better and have had days where I see rays of sunshine.
This entire year, I have often struggled with the thought, "Where is my faith?" I have the knowledge of the gospel, I know where she is, yet I am still so completely shattered?! Do I even have faith? When one Sunday during Releif Society, the spirit whispered to my heart, that my fight to recover from my grief, came from my faith. Without faith in a Loving God and the Great Plan of Salvation, I would not be fighting the daily despair. Quite literally I would have died from the pain; either by the taking of my own life (know that is heavy) or by just giving up and self medicating with substance to "treat" the pain.
The reality is, my mother was emotional there for me during various trauma's throughout my life (death of my father, divorce, sin) and many, many joyous occasions (my temple sealing, the birth of my children, annual women retreats, holidays) this bond and relationship was created over the better part of 30 years! It's gonna take lots of time to adjust to that new normal; I just have to allow myself that time.
I love my new counselor! From the first session, I have felt very soothed by her. She challenges me to journal my feelings and get to the real source of various questions or pain. I have learned that Grief requires WORK and Trauma is not something you get over, it is something you work through! I love that, because I was becoming so discouraged with the amount of time that had passed and the depth of pain that still plagued me. I think I expected that after sufficient time had passed, I would wake up one day and be okay or reconciled with my grief. This is CLEARLY not the case. The more time that passes the more devestated I am with the reality that she is not coming back. (Yes people, deep down inside I am still hoping for her to come back. I know the Lord has the ability, why not?)
I also have come to believe that by doing my grief work, I will eventually adjust to a new normal and be reconciled with my loss. Recovery for me is to come back to life on the inside and look forward to living in the future. This "end" has been so far out of sight for me that I didn't believe it exsisted. Now I am trying to not focus on when I will get to that point or the fact that despite the work and pain, I am still not there. Just trying to focus on the present. How am I today? What are my needs, self care? Only look at the next 3 or 4 steps I need to take.
I still cry nearly everyday and I am always 1 feeling away from tears but I am learning how to cope with these feelings better and have had days where I see rays of sunshine.
This entire year, I have often struggled with the thought, "Where is my faith?" I have the knowledge of the gospel, I know where she is, yet I am still so completely shattered?! Do I even have faith? When one Sunday during Releif Society, the spirit whispered to my heart, that my fight to recover from my grief, came from my faith. Without faith in a Loving God and the Great Plan of Salvation, I would not be fighting the daily despair. Quite literally I would have died from the pain; either by the taking of my own life (know that is heavy) or by just giving up and self medicating with substance to "treat" the pain.
The reality is, my mother was emotional there for me during various trauma's throughout my life (death of my father, divorce, sin) and many, many joyous occasions (my temple sealing, the birth of my children, annual women retreats, holidays) this bond and relationship was created over the better part of 30 years! It's gonna take lots of time to adjust to that new normal; I just have to allow myself that time.
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