As My World Turns ...

I know my posts have a tendency to be very heavy ... sorry, I'm working on that.

Here's my current self evaluation:

PHYSICALLY – Doing better than I expected at 11 weeks pregnant. In all of my previous pregnancy’s I felt the 1st Trimester gloom of symptoms for the first 12-14 weeks.

This time, we found out we were expecting @ 5 weeks, no real symptoms just the shock and surprise of discovering we are pregnant again.

Weeks 6, 7, & 8 were crappy! Constantly hungry, nothing I ate was satisfying, always sick after I ate, nauseas all day long, and felt like my body had been taken over by an alien.

Weeks 9 & 10 have been much better; mild nausea, satisfied as long as I don’t allow my stomach to become empty. So eating something about every 1 ½ hours.

Fatigue and exhaustion are usually overwhelming at this stage; ironically, with this pregnancy I haven’t been that tired. I’m actually getting up earlier and napping less … go figure!

MENTALLY – It is difficult for me to be alone, quiet times / moments are painful and anxious. I feel lonely and don’t know what to do with myself. Sometimes I feel like a stranger in my own skin. Where before quiet time to relax was relished, now I don’t do well if I don’t have the chaos of all my children around me, needing something every moment. I’m pretty used to Lacey being at school and her dad’s but I don’t like it when my boys are gone at David’s parents or playing somewhere. Even if just 1 of them is gone, there is not enough chaos to keep me clam. On the flip side of that, their chaos creates a constant tornado through my house leaving huge messes. My efforts to keep the house nice and somewhat orderly feel futile; which can be discouraging.

EMOTIONALLY – I am working on developing life coping skills. When I feel stress or anxiety and I have that “bad” feeling, it is a trigger in my mind that says “You know what else makes me feel bad? Losing my mom!” Then I begin to wish she was here and have to fight all of that emotion of not having her; leaves me feeling empty. So very quickly, stress and anxiety turn to grief work. I don’t know what to do with myself when I feel those bad feelings. I don’t know how to release that stress. It used to be as easy as a simple phone call to mom. She didn’t solve the problem, just listened and there was security because I knew she would help if I couldn’t handle it on my own. Well, there’s no more back-up and so I’m trying to develop the skills to make it on my own.

SPIRITUALLY – Struggling to truly Trust the Lord. I want to be humble and submissive to his will. I want to gain peace and calmness from the assurance that The Lord is in control; and sometimes I do, but it doesn’t come easily or automatically. First I have to silence that natural man voice in my head that screams the injustices of life; then I have to be very prayerful, constantly talking with The Lord about how I am feeling. I know that he is a just and merciful God. I know that he truly knows my needs and I have witnessed many tender mercies and blessings amongst the turmoil. Sometimes, I feel like I just endure … waiting for the turmoil to pass. Other times, I fight to become better to rise above and change my thinking. I’m not enjoying this journey of change and I hope that it will become normal soon.

GOALS:
- Live more,
- See and feel the joys in my life,
- Be present,
- Have fun with my children,
- Be trusting of The Lord,
- Feel whole
- Simplify