Wednesday, April 15, 2009

On a lighter note, our cat had babies! Monday morning, Tabby had 6 sweet, adorable, precious little kittens. Okay, most would say that I’m not a pet person but I do love my cat and her having kitten has been fun. The kids are all very excited, even though it is too soon to hold or pet them. The next 6 weeks of watching them grow (until we give them all away) should be fun.

The Plague ...

Basically, 2 weeks ago, our family came down with the plague; strep throat, bronchitis, sinus infections, and ear infections. It has been miserable! So many little ones needing love and comfort, when all I want is to be taken care of, loved and comforted. Presently, David, Noah, Jacob and Ammon are all improving. Lacey and I went to the doctor today for more remedies. I am hopeful that these new meds will do the trick and wipe this out. I cannot remember ever being this sick for this long.

Will Life Always Be This Hard?

Lately, I have been pondering this question. Here’s what I mean, every day I must face how my life is different, everything is harder and I have to decide to accept it (instead of begging for it to be different) and live anyway. That requires so much energy … making the simple act of living hard. Will it always require this much work to live? Will I eventually just get really good at it … living, and so it will come naturally without requiring the energy and work? I don’t know, time will tell.

I'm Not Stuck

Given all that I described in the last post, my hope was recently renewed when I realized that I’m not stuck. I am struggling, yes! And the journey right now is very difficult, but I’m not stuck. Many people experience these types of traumas in their life and it cripples them in a way that prevents them from excelling in life. They lose dreams and aspirations for more and become stuck; a product of the trauma. My hope is a direct result of the gospel truths. As I believe in and hope for many of the teaching of the gospel, I am given the strength to keep pushing forward. There is someone bigger and more powerful than anything else in this world watching over these events in my life. I do not know why this is the way it must be but I know God is overseeing; which if I believe that he is a loving God (and I try to) then this will be for my good. In other words, he will shape these events into something that will ultimately make me more and bring more to my life. Doesn’t make the suffering less, just makes the journey of suffering something that I want to overcome. At one point in my recovery, I remember feeling despair and having the distinct impressing that the adversary would love for me to be stuck. To stay in that place of hopelessness and despair; to stop fighting the daily darkness and just give in to it. I’m proud to say I haven’t. Yes, I am whining a lot along the way, I do not suffer well but I am still fighting to successfully complete this journey and ultimately live happily again.

From Unemployment to Self Employment

Well in February, David was officially laid off and we reluctantly entered into unemployment. After consideration of our options, we decided to partner with my brother and start our own landscape company.
Our new company is called, Executive Landscape Specialists, LLC – specializing in landscape maintenance, weed control and clean ups. It has been an interesting journey so far; not great, not bad, just interesting … I think because I just never expected to have our own business. Prior to moms’ death, my world was safe and that’s the way I liked it. Now, nothing is safe and I find us doing things that I would have strongly resisted.
David has also applied for the Border Patrol. He has passed the written examination, oral interview, medical examination and physical fitness test. We’ve completed and submitted a 61 page background information application along with his fingerprint clearance cards. Now we wait, I really have no idea what we’re in for … whatever!?

In the meantime, I have begun doing work from home for the law office to supplement our income. I feel good to use the non-mommy side of my brain; makes me feel smart and acceptable. I have also started doing nails again. About 10 years ago, my nail lady taught me how but I was working full time at the law office and didn’t have the time to commit to perfecting the skill. Got this itch and started again; I have had lots of practice with all the young women around me J My nieces especially love it; they have been begging me to do nails again for years! Seriously not a money maker but feeds some desire to be creative. Feels good to just practice a skill … maybe I’m just making a mental inventory of what skills I do have?

Just some of the blessing during our chaos!

The Lastest Emotional Update

While, I was on a really good stretch and felt like I was making strides; unfortunately, that beautiful flowery meadow was followed by more steep mountains waiting for me to climb.

Many times in the past 2 ½ months I have wondered if everyone has stopped praying for me at the same time because that peace and strength I was once feeling is gone, history, vanished.

I don’t know how I lost it or what I did to really get it in the first place. I feel like the first year was just complete and total mourning; crying, grieving, sadness, really just existing and passing time. Second year has been actually trying to live without moms support and love in my life. Yeah, it’s really hard! Like walking the tight rope without a net or playing a sport without a coach. Feel like such a child that still needs to be taught the best way to navigate through this journey of mortality but my teachers have been taken and I am left to figure out another way. Leaves me feeling angry a lot, not some place I stay but some place I am regularly digging out of.