Friday, September 19, 2008

Hello Again!

Ya know when you feel overwhelmed because you have so much to do you don't even know where to start? Well, that's how I feel about blogging right now. I haven't blogged in so long (like 3 months) I'm conflicted with whether I should go backwards and catch up or just start from today .....? I've decided to do a little of both!

Here's what I would have blogged about but didn't:
Ammon's 1st Birthday
Vacation- Camping @ the Beach
Jacob's 3rd Birthday
Noah & Jacob begin preschool
Lacey's begins 3rd Grade
Girls Weekend

Eventually, I hope to get to blog about each of these .... when is the only question. Ya see, I really don't like blogging for the 1 reason that I am not creative by nature. I can be creative but it takes me a long time and I just don't have extra time laying around waiting to be used. If there is a moment of "me time" I'm working on my grief work or doing what I can to self soothe through the difficult days.

3rd Grade

My sweet Lacey started 3rd grade! Okay, I remember when I was in 3rd grade, how is it possible that I now have a child in 3rd grade? Am I really that old? When did that happen?

Hurray for Preschool!

Several monthly ago, I went round and round with the decision of whether to put the boys in preschool. For some reason I felt guilty that I would be paying someone else to teach my children when that was my job. Well because I have so many other jobs and quite frankly they were just driving me crazy, I signed them up! Can I just say, I love it! It's only 2 1/2 hours a day and they don't go on the same days (there are in different classes) but they are stimulated and excited to have something so important to do :)

Jacob could hardly wait for the day to come! That morning, he joyously ate his breakfast and packed his "backpack" (really just a lunch box) for school. After taking his picture, he gave me a big goodbye and walked out the door .... only problem, I was driving him to school. When I explained that he wasn't being picked up by carpool (like Lacey) and that mommy had to take him to school, he said okay but I don't want you to go to school with me though. Yeah, I could tell we were on the verge of some real seperation anxiety .... he could wait to get away from me and be the big boy. In fact, when we got to school he didn't want me to walk him to the door. Really?!

Noah was equally excited about school and had been anticipating this day for so long. He was happy to allow me to drive him to school and went in without looking back. When I picked him up, the first words out of his mouth, as I fired him with questions about his day, was "Mommy! It's just a house!" You see, their preschool is at the home of a lady in our ward. Well, he was expecting a school "like the one Lacey and Oliver go to!" So now at least once a week I explain to him that he can't go to Lacey's school until next year when he is 5 years old.

Mom's Headstone

While another one of the tediously painful tasks of bearing a loved one is completed. Mom's headstone is in and has been placed. It was of course very difficult to go and see. I sat and talked to her for a bit .... but mainly just baffled at the fact I was sitting at my mom's grave.

How Am I?

I know that many of you have used the blog as a way to keep tabs on me and I love you for it. Since I haven't been blogging I have received emails and text messages inquiring on my emotional well being.

I love my new counselor! From the first session, I have felt very soothed by her. She challenges me to journal my feelings and get to the real source of various questions or pain. I have learned that Grief requires WORK and Trauma is not something you get over, it is something you work through! I love that, because I was becoming so discouraged with the amount of time that had passed and the depth of pain that still plagued me. I think I expected that after sufficient time had passed, I would wake up one day and be okay or reconciled with my grief. This is CLEARLY not the case. The more time that passes the more devestated I am with the reality that she is not coming back. (Yes people, deep down inside I am still hoping for her to come back. I know the Lord has the ability, why not?)

I also have come to believe that by doing my grief work, I will eventually adjust to a new normal and be reconciled with my loss. Recovery for me is to come back to life on the inside and look forward to living in the future. This "end" has been so far out of sight for me that I didn't believe it exsisted. Now I am trying to not focus on when I will get to that point or the fact that despite the work and pain, I am still not there. Just trying to focus on the present. How am I today? What are my needs, self care? Only look at the next 3 or 4 steps I need to take.

I still cry nearly everyday and I am always 1 feeling away from tears but I am learning how to cope with these feelings better and have had days where I see rays of sunshine.

This entire year, I have often struggled with the thought, "Where is my faith?" I have the knowledge of the gospel, I know where she is, yet I am still so completely shattered?! Do I even have faith? When one Sunday during Releif Society, the spirit whispered to my heart, that my fight to recover from my grief, came from my faith. Without faith in a Loving God and the Great Plan of Salvation, I would not be fighting the daily despair. Quite literally I would have died from the pain; either by the taking of my own life (know that is heavy) or by just giving up and self medicating with substance to "treat" the pain.

The reality is, my mother was emotional there for me during various trauma's throughout my life (death of my father, divorce, sin) and many, many joyous occasions (my temple sealing, the birth of my children, annual women retreats, holidays) this bond and relationship was created over the better part of 30 years! It's gonna take lots of time to adjust to that new normal; I just have to allow myself that time.