Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Current Status Report

Ya know, it seemed like after mom died it was just one thing right after another and I was really struggling (to say the least). It felt like I couldn't see straight before something else came about to deal with (short sale of our house, unemployment, freaking scorpion sting) and my coping skills were virtually nonexsistent.

When I found out I was pregnat with Elizabeth, it seemed to spark some life into me and my will to survive life's tragedies kicked in. Then when she was born, ooooohhhh my little broken heart just over flowed with love. Of course I love all my children, but I think Elizabeth was hand picked by mom and sent to me now to help soothe my pain. I love having another girl!!!!!

The other kids are doing good and so much fun. All are growing faster than I would like but I am enjoying each of them and their unique personalities. They make me laugh every day and are worth every ounce of energy and work that is requries to keep up with their needs.

I went back to work part time as the bookkepper at the law office I used to work for. Getting out of the house is very nice (a bit like a vacation) but it definitely is a juggling act, that I am not sure I have perfected!? :-o

David started his own landscaping company last year (after being laid off) and it is growing, slowing but growing. We started with literally nothing but some money to buy equipment and a trailer so he has built it from the ground up. Our overhead is super low it's paying the rent, so that is enough for now. I also do the books and scheduling for the landscaping company (usually when everyone is in bed). Then, from time to time, I bring work home from the law office and write settlement demands too.

That's the long and short of life right now; very, very busy just trying to get by, keep up and be happy.

Emotionally, I do not feel like I am reconciled with the loss but I do feel like I have resolved to stop kicking and screaming about it and try to rebuild. The hurt is deep and constant, but honestly I've just learned how to stuff it down and cautiously trust The Lord ... sad but there are no answers that satisfy the questions. Every now and then it bubbles up and I have a good angry cry, then I put it away and go back to work. My testimony in Jesus Christ is being strengthened and I am holding on; maybe not always moving forward but holding on for dear life! I have found that the temple and the wildreness (camping) are the only places I really feel inner peace, so I try to frequent them as often as possible.

Mentally, I'm not gonna lie, I do require a little drug called Zoloft to help me get through day to day :-) and I'm okay with that. It's not forever, just for now.

Spiritually, like I said I am holding on. I do not understand the workings of The Lord but I am working to truly trust Him and allow His will to be done. Can't quit, I am responsible for teaching too many little ones the way back home. I have become increasingly grateful for the "smaller" things that are so often taken for granted, ~ like overall good health for myself, David and the kids ~ For the ability to create and bare children (apparently, as many as I want .... :o ) ~ For loving friends and family ~ For the blessing of living in the United States and for it's freedoms ~ For the miracle of the gospel of Jesus Christ and for being born to awesome parents ~ essentially the "basics" that previously I just didn't think about or perhaps even felt entitled to ...?

When I don't think about the pain, there is great joy. When I think about the pain, I feel gratitude for the "basics" and try to remember the joy.

I am especially grateful that we don't take our finances with us to heaven because holy cow we are a mess right now. This is something that a year ago would have been my undoing but now I just see it as life! Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose; hopefully, we learn something along the way.


ecuakim said...

This is beautiful. Thanks for sharing your heart with us...

Nikki said...

First, Welcome back to the blog world. I feel this is sometimes the only way to keep up with old friends. I am glad to hear everything is going better. You should be proud of yourself. You have had to indure a lot these past few years. You and Dave have been through it all it seems. You have made it.... You can only take it day by day. We may never understand way the Lord does things, but we have to keep plugging along and have hope and trust. You are a remarkable person,and a great friend.