How Am I?

I know that many of you have used the blog as a way to keep tabs on me and I love you for it. Since I haven't been blogging I have received emails and text messages inquiring on my emotional well being.

I love my new counselor! From the first session, I have felt very soothed by her. She challenges me to journal my feelings and get to the real source of various questions or pain. I have learned that Grief requires WORK and Trauma is not something you get over, it is something you work through! I love that, because I was becoming so discouraged with the amount of time that had passed and the depth of pain that still plagued me. I think I expected that after sufficient time had passed, I would wake up one day and be okay or reconciled with my grief. This is CLEARLY not the case. The more time that passes the more devestated I am with the reality that she is not coming back. (Yes people, deep down inside I am still hoping for her to come back. I know the Lord has the ability, why not?)

I also have come to believe that by doing my grief work, I will eventually adjust to a new normal and be reconciled with my loss. Recovery for me is to come back to life on the inside and look forward to living in the future. This "end" has been so far out of sight for me that I didn't believe it exsisted. Now I am trying to not focus on when I will get to that point or the fact that despite the work and pain, I am still not there. Just trying to focus on the present. How am I today? What are my needs, self care? Only look at the next 3 or 4 steps I need to take.

I still cry nearly everyday and I am always 1 feeling away from tears but I am learning how to cope with these feelings better and have had days where I see rays of sunshine.

This entire year, I have often struggled with the thought, "Where is my faith?" I have the knowledge of the gospel, I know where she is, yet I am still so completely shattered?! Do I even have faith? When one Sunday during Releif Society, the spirit whispered to my heart, that my fight to recover from my grief, came from my faith. Without faith in a Loving God and the Great Plan of Salvation, I would not be fighting the daily despair. Quite literally I would have died from the pain; either by the taking of my own life (know that is heavy) or by just giving up and self medicating with substance to "treat" the pain.

The reality is, my mother was emotional there for me during various trauma's throughout my life (death of my father, divorce, sin) and many, many joyous occasions (my temple sealing, the birth of my children, annual women retreats, holidays) this bond and relationship was created over the better part of 30 years! It's gonna take lots of time to adjust to that new normal; I just have to allow myself that time.