While, I was on a really good stretch and felt like I was making strides; unfortunately, that beautiful flowery meadow was followed by more steep mountains waiting for me to climb.
Many times in the past 2 ½ months I have wondered if everyone has stopped praying for me at the same time because that peace and strength I was once feeling is gone, history, vanished.
I don’t know how I lost it or what I did to really get it in the first place. I feel like the first year was just complete and total mourning; crying, grieving, sadness, really just existing and passing time. Second year has been actually trying to live without moms support and love in my life. Yeah, it’s really hard! Like walking the tight rope without a net or playing a sport without a coach. Feel like such a child that still needs to be taught the best way to navigate through this journey of mortality but my teachers have been taken and I am left to figure out another way. Leaves me feeling angry a lot, not some place I stay but some place I am regularly digging out of.
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Ok, Wow a lot to comment on... You are so great with words. We never understand why. It is the one thing a truly HATE. It seems though with all your trials and daily living you are doing good. Do not be hard on yourself, even without trauma people have good and bad moments. The trauma just hits it harder. No one, well I know the Billingsley has ever stopped praying for you. You are a great person, friend, wife and mother.
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