Acceptance ... Timeline

Frequently, my grief work has been interrupted as I have questioned whether my grief was accepted by others. For example, I have worried that others may be thinking or feeling; "Why can't Angel just accept that her mom is gone and more on?" "It's been a year, is she ever gonna let this go and live again?" "She knows that she will see her again, why is she still such a mess?"

Now whether this is true, a product of my own distorted thoughts or an influence of the Adversary. In my mind, I then begin to formulate a timeline and evaluate where I'm not at yet and why. This is toxic and unproductive. I quit concentrating on the present and how I can overcome today and begin focusing on why I am not further progressed.

Then, in an answer to prayer, because I had been praying with discouragement about why I was where I was and not where I wanted to be, I received this answer. It has really only been 6 short very rocky months that we have had to work on our grief. The first 5 months (12/17/07 - 5/28/08) was devastation, shock, numbness, death, as we faced and pursued the criminal proceedings. Trauma, Trauma, Trauma as we uncovered all the details of the accident that took moms life.

After the sentencing, (5/29/08 - 12/12/08) has been interrupted by difficulties with Bruce's boy regarding the estate. This seemed to upset me as much as the criminal proceedings because their actions questioned and/or undervalued my relationship with mom which was equally devastating. First someone kills her, then these idiots have the nerve to minimize her significance to us or our significance t her!?! This made my head spin with emotion, leaving me feeling out of control. The emotions dictated my days; whether it was one where I could fight the despair or one in which I could not and would just agonize in grief and pain.

That being said and considering the ever quickly approaching anniversary of her death and Christmas, I am satisfied with my level or amount of recovery. I work and fight everyday to get better or improve. I am striving to create a new normal and to redefine life without the person who continually feed me acceptance, always and unconditionally.