DISCLAIMER

This blog is likely to cause sad, sorrowful, unhappy and/or gloomy feelings. It is probable that said feelings can result in crying, lamenting, weeping, depression and various other expressions of grief. Kriser Family Inc., hereafter referred to as (blogger) is not responsible for above referenced feelings and/or the said results of aforementioned feelings. This disclaimer serves as a full and complete release of bloggers’ liability to give notice of potentially ruining your day by visiting this blog. Other symptoms may include, but are not limited to, bloating, weight gain, frequent urination, acne, bad breathe, cold sores, increased mucus, body odor AND an extra toe. If you are experience any of these symptoms you should consult a physician IMMEDIATELY because that just ain’t right!

Preface

December 17, 2007, life as I previously enjoyed abruptly ended, when my sweet mother and dearest friend’s mortal life was prematurely ended. She was driving home from work, when she was hit head on by a drunk driver. The driver was an uninsured illegal immigrant, who was driving so erratically that he forced 5 others off the road prior to hitting mom and was being followed by a witness that was on the phone with 911, reporting his deadly driving. That eye witness then watched the accident occur.

The details and manner of her dead are totally and completely traumatizing to me. I still don’t believe that I have accepted it entirely. Since that time, I have felt like I am dying a slow and miserable death. It literally hurts so bad I often want to die; 1) to be with her and 2) to escape the suffering. The sorrow and agony at the thought of living the remainder of my mission here on this earth without her is still unbearable! I do not know how to live without her. I am still wishing for her to come back. Despite my depression and deep despair, I am still the mother of 4 very needy children, so each day I do my best to press on and fulfill their needs.

I have been surrounded by many, many, many loving hearts that have reached out and offered a hand in my time of need. I have gratitude for all of the hours of service offered and the numerous prayers on our behalf.

At this time, I am still not able to articulate needs or give a summarized answer to the greeting “How are you?” “I am a mess!” just sounds too heavy for the casual question. So here I will do my best to 1) honestly express my feelings so that you can judge how I am 2) state any wishes, “it would be nice if” and/or needs and 3) hopefully find healing through the journaling process.

Word to Describe Me (Apr 27 - May 4)

NUMB - Sometimes the hurt is so bad that it progresses past pain and just turns into numbness. That is how I feel this week, I am just trying to process and decide where to start again. Just holding on, hangin by my finger tips hoping that a light breeze doesn't come through and knock me off. Meds help control the extreme lows, but don't prevent the hurt. Without meds I wouldn't be able to get out of bed this week. Wondering when everyone will stop caring about whether I am still suffering? Feel like I will just always ache inside.

Stomach Flu

It's never good when you have sick little ones, but the stomach flu just tops them all in my opinion. Well, this week Ammon and Jacob have been hit with the bug. Poor babies ... Jacob has been the worst. I woke up early Sunday morning to him throwing up in my bed (never a good thing to wake up to). He proceeded with vomiting and diarrhea for the entire day. He was unable to keep down even a tsp of fluid. I tried everything I could think of water, Gatorade, popsicles, sprite ... he was so miserable. Thank goodness for modern technology because the washing machine didn't stop the whole day. By about 3pm (9 hours of illness) I began to notice his eyes and color changing. His eyes were sunken in with dark circles around them and his skin was so pale it was grayish, so I asked David to give him a blessing. He called Bro. Davis and together they blessed him to get better ... that satisfied my worry for about 2 more hours before I noticed his condition deteriorating more. So I asked David how he felt when he gave the blessings and he responded he was just waiting for me to say it was time to take him to the doctor. I phoned the pediatrician who sent us off to the ER for IV hydration.

At the hospital, he was first treated with medication (Zofran) to try and stop the vomiting. Fortunately, it worked and within 30 minutes he was able to keep down water and then Sprite. A little fluid in him and he perked right up. We were discharged with a prescription. He has continued to be ill but has been able to keep down fluids.

Thank you Heavenly Father for this tender mercy!

Sleepless Nights

I have weeks that I am unable to sleep without some type of sleep aid. Since I have taken something every night for the past several nights, tonight I tried not to. First I read for 2 hours then turned out the lights and laid in the dark. Ultimately, I began to cry ... the pain takes my breath away. I found myself crying so uncontrollable that I felt like I was hyperventilating so I would hold my breath and try to regain my composure...pleading with Heavenly Father for help. As I try to define the pain, it’s not just the absence of Mom's relationship in my life … I am also mourning the loss of me. I am so different now; it is the need to now identify who I am without her. I am not the same. She was a silence source of strength in my life; her existence offered me security and comfort. Her continuous love charged me with confidence because it was okay to try and fail; her love was not conditioned to just when I succeeded. I didn’t worry about how I would cross the roads ahead because if it became too difficult I knew (from years of experiences) that mom would be there at just the right moment to help carry the load or cheer me on. Her goodness somehow shielded me from the darkness of the world; she was my buffer. Now the world, the evils of the world, the darkness all around us, feels like the earth is such a horrible place to be without her. There was always safety with Mom, now safety as I previously knew it is gone and I must define where safety exists now. It’s easy to say; well your spouse is safe but really? Really? Because spouses leave, after years and years of marriage some spouses decide they’re done and leave. If my spouse is unhappy with me or his life with me, he has the option of leaving; moms don’t leave, not my mom, even when or if I made her unhappy, she would never never leave. So then is there no safety? Now I should say that I feel as though I have a great marriage with my spouse. We are still very much in love and work together to make our marriage a success … that being said, the above still exists. As I have reflected on these feelings that I have for my mother, I have become more aware of the significance of the relationships that I am building with my children. I observe how during the day when one of them gets hurt, they come running to me crying; they come to me because I have created the trust with them that I care and will listen. Once I have listened to the reason for their pain and consoled them with a hug, kiss or sometimes even just an “I’m sorry that happened” they are off and able to move on … that’s what I miss. I don’t know what you call it, but that’s what I am mourning the loss of. I still have some much life to live and so much difficulty yet to face … how do I do it without that mother’s love? I now hate the expression “time heals all wounds” because I do not believe that "healing" ever occurs. Healing by definition means: 1. To restore to health or soundness; to cure. 2. To set right; repair. 3. To restore (a person) to spiritual wholeness. To become whole and sound; return to health. Healing means to get better. I’m not going to get better, I’m going to change and time just gives me the opportunity to make the adjustments necessary to accept and learn how to live without her. I am comforted by the scriptures. I read in D&C 109:76 tonight "That our garments may be pure, that we may be clothed upon with robes of righteousness, with palms in our hands, and crowns of glory upon our heads, and reap eternal joy for all our sufferings." That sounds cool, but it's not today ... not tonight, so how do I find the strength to hold on and pass the time?

Tender Mercies

1. Family Pictures 2 days before mom died. I cherish these photos, they capture her just as I remember.2. Bond of love w/ increased compassion w/ my spouse. David has showm me so much love and put so much effort into comforting me. Feels like we have grown closer in only a few months which otherwise whould have taken years!3. Ammon, my baby who I wasn't sure I was ready to bring into the world when he came, has forced myself not to make any rash decisions while I was engulfed in pain. He needed me, innocence and pure love .... no discipline.4. Mom & I got to be neighbors for a year and a half. It was so perfect! Gave an opportunity for mom & David's relationship to develp and grow. Mom loved and appreciated him and he had great respect and adoration for her. Also, her bond w/ our children grew. We got to see each other frequently.5. Ongoing contention and bitterness with Lacey's dad seised after mom died.6. Bonds with my siblings have increased and become a great comfort.7. New tenderness and love for Bruce has evolved. We always accepted and respected him but now we love him.8. Defendant was trapped in his vehicle; could not flee the scene and is being prosecuted for his crime.

Word to Describe Me (Apr 20 - Apr 26)

SHAKEN - The weekends events have sent me spinning. It has stirred up inside so much of the storm that had been calmed. All of my senses feel heightened. I feel so many different emotions; sadness, anger, frustration, irritation, disbelief, shock, numbness; I'm not sure what to focus on or where to begin to regain any calmness. It won't be a week that I accomplish very much, just passing time.

Neighborhood Disturbance

Oh my, my, my! Where do I begin? Friday afternoon I come home and find Bruce with 2 of his sons loading mom’s entire house onto a trailer… couches, chairs, tables, appliances, piano. None of them discussed any of this with us (moms children) they just assumed entitlement and began loading up. Initially, I hesitated, not sure if they were loading up everything or just stuff from the garage??? Then I saw that they had her piano and rocking chairs on the trailer. As calmly as possible I marched across the street and expressed to Bruce that there were some items being loaded on the trailer that had sentimental value of mom's that we wanted. Bruce wiped his brow exasperated. I could tell that he was not the one in control; his boys were running this show. I then expressed this same thing to his sons who responded with if I had a problem to call the police. At this point, my husband is racing (literally) home from Mesa to stop them and has us park our truck in front of theirs so that they are unable to leave. Realizing that they have no legal right to be doing what they are doing and seeing their determination and entitlement, I agree that calling the police is the best thing to do. Ultimately, the police and several other family and families (backup that I had called) show up and they are ordered to unload the trailer. This whole scene combined with their freaking attitudes brought out "hysteria-woman" in me. Let's just say, I did not control my emotions well and exploded in anger and rage at them.
Here's the best part, Saturday morning my siblings and I, with Bruce, went over to the house WITHOUT his boys and amiciably sorted through everything. :)

Up, Up, Up

Much to my dismay, “Little Guy” is climbing the stairs. His dad actually sat and taught him how one night this week … why would he do that? He has advanced in his mobility, now he really has me on my toes... But he is SUPER CUTE!

Rub-A-Dub-Dub 4 Boy's In A Tub

I had my brother's little boy, Zackary, yesterday (4/21) .... 4 little boys, 3 & under! Great fun! They just look intimidating ..... all in all it was a good day just didn't do anything else.

Nicknames

At our house, David has given everyone a nickname … sometimes more than 1. (David really does this with everybody!) He is very playful, so our children respond to any of the following:

NOAH HYRUM KRISER - Noah the Nasty Ninja, No-Nack, No-haha

AMMON JAMES KRISER - Affectionately known as Little Boy or Little Guy

JACOB AARON KRISER – Jake the Snake, Jak-Jak, JACK, Jac-Up








LACEY CHRISTINE HEMP – Lacey Lou hou, Lacey the Loving Ladybug (okay so Lacey and I made that one up) and Lacey Bird the Monkey Tird

Battle of Words

Okay so since Friday's events I received a 3 page email from Bruce's son full of all kinds of nice things ?.?.?.? after reading it I decided to big the bigger person and not even respond. That worked for about 24 hours until I stewed and stewed over it and finally sat down and wrote a response. It was therapy.... then, I delayed another 24 hours while I contemptated whether to actually send it. In the end, I did and I have to say that I'm not proud of the fact that I couldn't just bite my tongue, turn the other cheek or be the adult. I am posting the emails so that you can understand the intensity of the emtions and crap we are dealing with ... warning the following is full of drama, proceed if so desired.

THE SON WRITES:
James/Penney/Joe/Angle
I have a long laundry list of items here for you to review. I give this list so that all of you will know why I try my best not to interact with you. 1: Where I come from we don't make a big deal about financial maters during the week that our mother has died. For example I would not go to her place of work and looking for financial documents within 24 hours of death. I am sorry but I find this in very distasteful. 2: If my mother had died I would not take her husband around town, before the funeral telling him he needs to liquidate assets. It is a very tough time for the spouse and Financial matters should not be on the top of the list during the week of the death. The only one that I saw from your side of the family that made any real financial comment was maybe James. For what it is worth you are the only one of the four that I have any respect for. Unfortunately Dad still remembers you telling him "do you have enough money to pay for all of this" when you > saw his bills. I think that you did not mean any harm by it, but Dad still brings it up every time I mention your name. With as short as his memory is I would have thought he forgotten by now. 3: I and Aaron have power of attorney for my father. This is authority was give to us by Marge. Marge knew Dad would need to have financial, medical, and other help if she died. She did not give this authority to Angle. Please respect your Mother's wishes and stop having him sign legally binding documents without our knowledge. 4: You all are very well aware of Bruce's sickness. Based on Medical records either Penney or Angle use to take him to the doctor visits. It has continued to get worse since he was first diagnosed. Even with this knowledge some of you still continue to get him to sign documents without fair representation. For example you had him sign the Legal document that made Angle the personal representative of Marge's estate. You had him sign a document with a realtor without representation. Which lead to more items on my list. 5: I want to see that my Dad gets every dime he can get. He needs it. He has a sickness that will be very costly as time progresses. You are all adults and can take care of yourselves. One of you related a story to me of how Marge had to get a bunch of debts reversed because Dad was tricked by people into buying items that were not needed. I personally think that if Marge put money in separate accounts she did it so that it would be safe. Marge was the type of person that would do what is best for her sick husband. I am vaguely aware of the state law and Step children and estate settlement so please spare me the detail why you feel that you deserve the estate. I am not doubting that you will receive settlement. Why the big secretive nature about what you are doing? Maybe even you don't feel good about what you are doing? Please don't tell me you have not been trying to hide what you are doing. You did not even have the decency to delivery him the documents. Maybe if you would have given him the document that said Angle presence is necessary before removing stuff from the estate then there would not have been a need for yesterdays problems. 6: Marge wrote a will for my father that said if he died that she would get everything. I think that that is the way it is suppose to be. If you want to see the will you are welcome. My father keeps telling me "When the husband dies the wife gets everything, when the wife dies the husband gets everything. I believe Marge believed this as well. Of course I remind him of the state law. It is obviously that that is all you are interested in. 7: Knowing that Dad has Alzheimer why would you go in and yell at him like you did Angle? Aaron and I were out in the drive way for you to vent on. There was no need for that. David had no problem telling me what he thought of me. At least he tells me to my face now. Two years ago when I, and others, were over helping Marge and Dad move to Queen Creek he was telling my Dad he want to beat me up or some crap. What kind of childishness is that? 8: The house. Angle wants to act like the house belongs to her. Great please pay dad for the house payments. It cost him more than what he makes in Social security each month. My goodness you had the place listed 180000 dollars. Market analysis shows that everything in that neighborhood, that has sold for the last several months is sold for and average of $79 per square foot. If I were clairvoyant and saw that the housing market was going to go up in several months then I would see want can be done to save the house. Since I'm not I am helping Dad to sell it. David calls me up and leaves a message about how he want to take over the payment. Are you Stupid? Maybe I am wrong but I think my father owes $147000? You have any knowledge of the short sale? Make an offer and you can probably buy the place for $125000 if the bank accepts. I am doing you a favor by not letting you make a financial blunder. If Marge made another lump sum payment right as she died and there is less owed than this please let Dad know in writing. By the way you can't write off a loss on your personal residence (I don't think). Even if you could you don't need tax write offs when all you are making is social security. By the way Dad needs to eliminate dept. So why would you take a 69 year old man over to see a 2 story condo? So he can shift his dept from one property to another? How does that make sense? 9: Would it be to much to ask for you all to put in writing what you want to tell Dad? Don't you think that with Dad's current conditions when you tell him verbal stuff that he just forgets shortly? Maybe it is because you wouldn't want scum bag Doran to know about it? Or maybe you are trying to hide something? Enough with this list of items. I could go on for days. Now to the most important item. I spoke with Dad. Though it pains him greatly he > realizes that letting all of you to go through and take the items that were owned by He and Marge he realizes it is the simplest course. You all had no problem doing that over the past few months any how. I thought you were all through by now. Angle admitted to having items in her garage Any how here is a possible list of conditions for coming and taking stuff and it needs to be done soon. The house payment is killing him money and stress wise. 1: Dad wants the bed room sent in the master bed room. This was owned by his closest brother Frances and sister-in-law Joan prior to Marge and Dad owning it. 2: Dad needs the appliances. Please let him have these. 4: Don't remove anything from the office room. Dad is sensitive about the office. 5: Dad likes the brown recliners that were in the living area, and the table and chairs dining sets, but of course I am sure you all need it more than him so this can be discussed. 6: Please consider for every item that you want you also have to take at least one undesirable item? For example you want the two blue chairs fine take the TV cabinets with it. You like the Piano take the big glass door cabinet cabinet in the living room. If it means anything Dad would like one of Penney's kids to have the Piano. Also please be open to removing such items as the 55 gallon drums of water. I feel that at least some of the junk in the house was Marge's as well as Dad's. 7: On the day of the item sorting please bring a way to remove the items on that day. If necessary put it into Angle's garage. I already picked some of this stuff once and Angle and the David asked the police to have us unload all of it. So please this time all of you be prepared to move the items form the property. If the bank take over the house before the items are removed I have no idea what will happen to them at that point. 8: I want to minimize any of the needing to speak with David or Angle or being spoken to by them. Please have James and/or Penny do the talking. Let's just agree to hate each other and let Marge's eldest children do the talking if needed. 9: I spoke with the office yesterday, and he said that the Sheriff can send out a standby. I would feel most comfortable if we do this. I think they only work week days. I want Dad protected against any one saying that he took stuff that was not his to take. If there are other suggestions please let me know. Maybe the local Bishop? Whoever the mediator is lets try and do the talking through that person so that angry feelings are kept at bay. I will try and show you this respect so please try and show the same respect. Dad has had us change the locks on the doors. Please don't enter the house without him or one of his sons present. He makes the payment, please respect his ownership. If you feel the urge to feel like you own the place, like you told the offices today, and as you have done by removing items without Dad present, then please send the monthly house payment to Dad. Further more we have no plans to remove items until the day is chosen to meet with all of you and the Sheriff standby. I have a job and have no need to steal items that I can purchase with my own money.

MY RESPONSE:
It’s interesting that you can translate to me what you would or would not do if your mother died. The reality is that your mother hasn’t died, but mine did, so don’t begin to tell me how you feel it is appropriate for me to respond. You really have no clue!
This is evidenced by your statements that financial matters should not be a concern during the first week after your mother’s death. The first thing to take place was a funeral, a $10,000 expense. Is that not a financial matter? No one ever told Bruce to liquidate his assets? I had knowledge that in 2003, when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, she purchased and planned her funeral so that it wasn’t something we had to do. Now where you may have the opinion that it is “distasteful” to look for that type of “financial” paperwork immediately after her death we felt it to be necessary. When the preplanned funeral paperwork was located and found to be expired, we felt it prudent to further the search for additional information and documentation.
Your only emotion has been one of distrust and questioning. From day one you were contacted with every detail of information that was obtained, including potential insurance settlements. You have created an obstacle at every pass; because you feel that we are distasteful, dishonesty and untrustworthy I am sure. The reality is that nothing we do or would have done will change that opinion that comes from within, it represents the person that you are and the character you have. You don’t look at the hours of time that has been spent with your dad in trying to help him; you look at it and say how could you let him do that without “fair” representation? Two perspectives, two very different points of view.
While yes, your father is sick, he is not mute. He still has a voice, an opinion and feelings. Your perspective is that nothing he says now matters, only the way you see it fits. My approach is a little different, I actually talk to him about how he feels and what he would like to see happen. Then exercise caution to make sure his choices or feelings won’t cause him future harm. You talk at him, I talk to him. It’s clear that to you, your way is always best. And yes, your dad continually spoke of “horse trading” and wanting to trade his Queen Creek house for a property in Mesa. So a deal that would buy his Queen Creek house for $180,000, giving him his equity of $30,000+, and transferring that debt to a Mesa property that he could then sell or rent seemed like something to consider. At least he would then have his equity right? If desired you could then just short sale the Mesa house …. Stupid, I know! Your way is clearly better for your dad. Please spare us your favors, David’s message stated that rather than have Bruce give the house away and/or take a lose, etc. We would be willing to accept his liability in the house and give him whatever potential benefit you anticipated he would receive, i.e. a tax break. Again, you are smarter and all knowing, so do it your way instead.
It is clear that your only concern has been to see that your father receives every dime that he can. And that’s okay, he will. The laws are in place to determine that. It’s not open for opinions or negotiations and it is our desire that Bruce be well cared for. It is also very evident that it is your opinion that if the mom dies the dad gets everything. Don’t cop out and try to make those your father’s words, he has never treated us that way, only you have! It’s just “obvious” remember. AND if the children were children from both the mother and the father then yes, everything the mother had would go to the father; then when the father died it would go to the children. That is not our circumstance. For us, our father already died and left everything to our mother; who has now passed and you feel that everything should go to your father and then ultimately to you? Come on, I will echo your previous statement, “Are you stupid?” Still through all this you see no justification for all the emotion!?! AMAZING!
The fact that you even began to try and tell me what my mother’s wishes are regarding her estate is comical! You should not, it’s just embarrassing! My relationship and what I shared with my mother is closer than any relationship that exists in your life, perhaps that explains your coldness!?
Nothing I am doing is secretive. Quite the contrary, it is fully documented and monitored by the court. I laugh that you challenge my decency, when you without contact, thought or consideration for anyone else proceed to go to their home and load all of the furniture onto a trailer. Then when it is expressed to you that there are some items of personal sentimental value that we wanted on the trailer, you refused to speak of it and YOU suggested we call the police. Furthermore, when Bruce coobirated and said remove the items from the trailer, he was incompetent and we were talking him out of the house. But he was competent enough to give you specific direction to load everything on to the trailer. Do you even hear your contradictions? This was your fight, not Bruce’s.
I think it is great that your money will buy you what you want, but my money won’t buy my mother back so her possessions and my memories are the only thing I have; forgive me for getting a bit upset at your inconsideration.
Again you created a road block where there didn’t need to be one. It was Bruce’s desire to go to the home and amicable sort through and load up the furniture. This was done, there was no fighting or disrespect, there never is until you surface. I’m sure that’s just because we’re being sneaky and robbing him, right?
Previously, we have cleaned the home and removed the most personal of her processions; with the full consent and knowledge of Bruce. He was even invited to come along and declined. Nothing was sneaky and if you feel that there is something he was cheated out of, you let James know. But from Bruce’s mouth he had (and still does not have) a problem. We prepared the house for the market, which included yard maintance; removing and replanting plants and trees so that Bruce would have every possible benefit in his chances of selling the home. How selfish or was it just “stupid” to attempt to help him? Your efforts to that point weren’t much to speak of.
Again you are missing a link, yes we are all adults capable, able and supporting ourselves. Mother’s estate was everything she worked her life to create and what our father worked his life to give to our mother. It is also settlement for her life being taken by the negligence of another that has caused us her children great suffering as well as Bruce (not only Bruce) he is sympathetic to this you are not.
Your opinions regarding me are irrelevant but yes any future communication can be done with James. He can be reached at 480-703-5550 and/or james@trademarkdoorandtrim.com

Lacey's Baptism

Yesterday, Saturday, April 12th @ 1pm my sweet Lacey was baptized a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Mentally and emotionally I struggled all week in anticipation of Saturday. Each detail I had to complete in preparation was difficult. I missed mom so much!

At one point, I just said forget it, I'm not doing it .... Then I prayed that the details wouldn't matter that Lacey would feel the importance and significance of the day and that all our relatives (mom, dad, grandma's, grandpa's, uncles) that we missed and wished could be there with us would be there!

The program was simple and went very well. There was harmony with her dad, Brian and stepmom, Jan. (Which is HUGE) Nothing is the same without mom but we did the best we could.

After she was baptized and I was helping her get changed, Lacey began to cry, wishing out loud that mom could be there. I reminded her that she was there we just couldn't see her and gave her a big hug.

In remembrance of mom we placed a bouquet of yellow roses (mom's favorite) on the front table. Thank you to all who helped me make this day a success for Lacey.

Word to Describe Me (Apr13 - Apr19)

Stressed ... Since mom's death, I have not been able to cope with much and I become stressed very easily! This week it just feels like I am stressing about everything; my bro (mental & emotionally struggling greatly), my sis (has become mom and is trying to make sure everyone is taken care of, including her 6 children), Bruce (Mental health is deteriorating, lonely), mom's house (want Bruce to profit financially), potential headaches from Bruce's kids (apparently, we are their enemies), my husband's endurance (he is doing his job and then picking up all the pieces I am dropping), my husband's love (he loves me now, but what if I never get better?), my responsibilities as a mother (so distracted it's hard to fulfill their needs), my testimony (what is it?)

My Big Sis - Pennie

My sister has always been someone I have turned to for help and direction. Mom, her and I shared that womanhood bond; and consulted with each other frequently about life. She sets a great example of obedience and is commonly referred to as "Super Mom." She is the mother of 6 children (all who she gave birth to WITHOUT epidurals) ranging in age from 16 - 18 months. She somehow manages to keep a tidy home, volunteer on the PTO, sustain her husband in his calling in the bishopric, fulfill her own church callings, take grandma to all of her doctor appointments, check-up on Bruce every day, babysit for anyone who needs it, worry and take care of Joe and I, oh AND fulfill the needs of all her children! And that's just a summary ... she is so much like mom! If something needed to be done, mom just jumped up and did it. She did not waste time thinking about if she wanted to or if it was her responsibility she jumped and said I'll do it, I can help! Pennie does that. She has often wondered whether mom would be or is happy with how we are handling everything since her passing and I can say that I KNOW mom is pleased with Pennie and all she has done to keep us together. She was always amazing now she's just showing off :) I pray that she will literally have more physical strength to keep up with all that she does! Thanks Pennie for being a great big sis!

My Bro - Joe

This was an extremely difficult week for my brother. Sometimes you're just cruising along, thinking you are coping and then BAM you just can't take it anymore! Well Joe had one of those weeks, to say the least. He and I have responded similarly to mom's death with deep desperation and just feeling totally lost as to where we begin to start living. In many ways, I know he has tried to keep it together and be strong for me. Joe has experienced and overcome many vices in his life. I know there have been times when many wondered whether he would ever grow up and/or mature. In the past five years, Joe has done that and more! He has so much to be proud of; most importantly, his wife, Shilo and his little boy, Zackary. He is a loving and devoted father. Joe has the memory of an elephant and remembers the magic of being a child and he shares that with his son. He has the gift to gab and can talk you in circles, always adding a little extra embellishment to his stories to make them more interesting. You are irreplaceable Joe, I love you! Hang in there and seek the help necessary for you to return to health.

James

Since I have given a shout out for the others, I feel compelled to also post for my brother James, I love him too. Right now, James is consumed with running his business and keeping up with his household. He is the finisher, the Get-RRR-Done guy! Emotionally, well he’s really not emotional. He doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve but is much more black and white, like my husband. His pain is also deep he just copes with it differently. Love being around him!

The innocence of youth

Things are so simple through a child’s eyes. Yesterday @ Lacey’s baptism, Jacob was sitting on my lap and looking @ my locket that has a picture of mom in it, when suddenly he said “Mommy, my grandma wants her Bruce back.” “He’s over there mommy, he’s over there.” And pointed to Bruce … wonder how long he will make it without her?

Change of Plea Hearing

Well, it appears as though the defendant has accepted the plea because a “Change of Plea Hearing” has been set for April 23rd @ 8:30am. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand I am sick with the thought of a plea, on the other I am grateful it appears as though it will be over soon. It is not uncommon for a case of the nature to take as long as 2 years to resolve! I believe the speedy resolution has been one of Heavenly Father’s tender mercies.

http://www.superiorcourt.maricopa.gov/docket/CriminalCourtCases/caseInfo.asp?caseNumber=CR2007-180566

Back in The Day - October 1979

Family Picture - October 1979

First Counseling Appointment

Had my first counseling appointment yesterday. It was good. There were times when I felt like the counselor was going to say "Time will heal" which is NOT what I am looking for. Thus far, time alone is not healing this wound. It's time to dive in and dig out the infection so that healing can start. He agreed that this was necessary. Felt good to talk about the deepness of my pain. He discussed some things with me that made me stop and think about my prespective. Hope he is willing to take the time with me as I sort this out? Afterwards, I was completely wiped out, went home and crashed for several hours, then slept all night!

30th Birthday

Sunday, was my 30th Birthday! No big deal to me, I felt 30 long ago. Of course, sad to not have mom; although I know it would have just made her feel old .... her baby 30? My husband went out of his way to shower me with love and surround me with people that love me. I laughed at him when he told me about the large group of people that would be gathering at our home on Sunday and reminded him of the new formed anxiety that I get when I am in groups :) ! It was a big intimidating but over all good as it could have been given the circumstance.

Saturday night, David sent me to bed before the kids so that he could get ready for my birthday (this alone would have been a great present)! Noah was upstairs cuddling with me when David called him from downstairs; "Noah, come here son, I need your help." Noah walked out of our bedroom to the top of the stairs and at the top of his lungs with complete enthusiasim yells "FLOWERS!" I laughed ....

He surprised me with another band for my wedding ring ... it is beautiful, but I feel alittle flashy!?

Jacob's Potty Trained!!!

After a month of working with him, Jacob is finally officially potty trained!

Here's the big boy sporting his undies and "super hero socks" - what an ensemble!

Gratitute List

1. Loving, Supportive, Hardworking, Loyal Husband2. Close relationships with my Siblings3. Grateful to Feel mom's presence4.Grateful for beautiful children5. Grateful to Dream about her6. In-Laws that love my children and watch them whenever I need them to

Dreaming of Mom

While I have always felt mom's presence with me, I have not dreamed of her very much and the dreams I have dreamed were hard to remember and in the past. This week, Wednesday and Thursday nights, I had the sweetest dreams about mom that left me feeling so joyful and excited; like all of me that died with her came back to life. I will not share the full details of the dreams but they were dreams that I knew and remembered in my dream that she had passed but was here again/still? She did not speak, just lovingly smiled at me and I showered her with love and affection, repeatedly kissing her face and joyfully hugging her! In one dream she lovingly embraced our Noah like she missed him so much. Every night I go to sleep praying to dream of her again.

Word To Describe Me (Apr 6 - Apr 12)

~ UNGRATEFUL ~
Ouch! This one stings alittle. I feel like I am SO sad that it is difficult for me to count my blessings. Almost like it triumphs every other feeling?... leaving me feeling ungrateful for not shouting praise for the mercies and blessings I have been given. My reflective thought feels as though Heavenly Father knew and recognized the blow that losing mom would be to me and therefore put all of this love in place to "cushion" my fall. There are open arm in every direction that I turn. So this week I will reflect on those blessings I have been over looking during my pain.

Status Conference

Well, court again yesterday morning. Really uneventful! Defendant has not yet accepted plea and so case was scheduled for trial on May 28th. Not likely that case will go to trial just next step if a plea is not reached ... so for now, we wait to hear if he accepts a plea. Process still makes me sick but don't have the emotional melt down I had the first time.

Hallmark Moment

Last Saturday morning I woke up at 7am, and noticed that my husband had already gone for work, feeling appreciative and grateful for his hardwork, I grabbed my phone and sent him a text message which said “I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I Love You” To which he replied “You are my whole world. I love you. The deepness of which grows each day.” Okay his was so much better than mine! I just think with that talent, he should be working for Hallmark.

Ammon James Kriser

This is my sweet baby at 8 months. He is my sunshine on dark cloudy days. His innocence and love have talked me off the edge of many desperate thoughts! I smile just to think of him.

Word To Describe Me (Mar 30 - Apr 5)

~ ANXIOUS ~
Right now, I feel anxious about everything. Anxious to heal, anxious to have the criminal proceedings resolved, anxious to finalize all of mom's affairs, anxious to get help, anxious to understand, anxious to learn whatever lession I am meant to learn.

LACEY'S "MALL PARTY" - 8 YRS OLD

We began our trek to the mall about 3:45pm. During our journey, the girls rocked out to Hilary Duff. As they sang, usely at the top of their lungs, I would suddenly turn down the music ... they didn't even skip a beat. It was great fun! Once at the mall, we went to The Cheesecake Factory for dinner and more fun. While waiting for our food, the girls did the wave, played truth or dare and telephone. We ate, opened presents, sang Happy Birthday and headed for some shopping.

On our way to Limited Too, we stopped at the pet shop and a few other stores. Once at our desired destination, the girls ransacked the store grabbing a little bit of everthing and headed for the dressing rooms. One by one they emerged beautiful with some type of "outfit" on (most did not consider to look at the sizes). EXCEPT, Katana, who if you notice has even coordinated her shoes! They danced and posed for pictures, then we cleaned up (not only hanging all the clothes up by putting them all away also) and pursued our next store which was Claire's.

Everyone was told they who select 1 item and they scattered like bugs in every direction. I literally just had my neice stand at the door and make sure none of our girls exited the store because I could not maintain visual on all of them at all times! All night I was repeatedly counting to 7 making sure we had the proper head count. Ultimately, I had to set a time deadline on deciding which treasure they wanted because there was just too many choice. The party ended with a little mini audition for Lacey, where she was "actually on TV" well at least the TV there in the mall! On the way out there were many "we're leaving already?" It was a great night and by the end I was beat!!!