Sleepless Nights

I have weeks that I am unable to sleep without some type of sleep aid. Since I have taken something every night for the past several nights, tonight I tried not to. First I read for 2 hours then turned out the lights and laid in the dark. Ultimately, I began to cry ... the pain takes my breath away. I found myself crying so uncontrollable that I felt like I was hyperventilating so I would hold my breath and try to regain my composure...pleading with Heavenly Father for help. As I try to define the pain, it’s not just the absence of Mom's relationship in my life … I am also mourning the loss of me. I am so different now; it is the need to now identify who I am without her. I am not the same. She was a silence source of strength in my life; her existence offered me security and comfort. Her continuous love charged me with confidence because it was okay to try and fail; her love was not conditioned to just when I succeeded. I didn’t worry about how I would cross the roads ahead because if it became too difficult I knew (from years of experiences) that mom would be there at just the right moment to help carry the load or cheer me on. Her goodness somehow shielded me from the darkness of the world; she was my buffer. Now the world, the evils of the world, the darkness all around us, feels like the earth is such a horrible place to be without her. There was always safety with Mom, now safety as I previously knew it is gone and I must define where safety exists now. It’s easy to say; well your spouse is safe but really? Really? Because spouses leave, after years and years of marriage some spouses decide they’re done and leave. If my spouse is unhappy with me or his life with me, he has the option of leaving; moms don’t leave, not my mom, even when or if I made her unhappy, she would never never leave. So then is there no safety? Now I should say that I feel as though I have a great marriage with my spouse. We are still very much in love and work together to make our marriage a success … that being said, the above still exists. As I have reflected on these feelings that I have for my mother, I have become more aware of the significance of the relationships that I am building with my children. I observe how during the day when one of them gets hurt, they come running to me crying; they come to me because I have created the trust with them that I care and will listen. Once I have listened to the reason for their pain and consoled them with a hug, kiss or sometimes even just an “I’m sorry that happened” they are off and able to move on … that’s what I miss. I don’t know what you call it, but that’s what I am mourning the loss of. I still have some much life to live and so much difficulty yet to face … how do I do it without that mother’s love? I now hate the expression “time heals all wounds” because I do not believe that "healing" ever occurs. Healing by definition means: 1. To restore to health or soundness; to cure. 2. To set right; repair. 3. To restore (a person) to spiritual wholeness. To become whole and sound; return to health. Healing means to get better. I’m not going to get better, I’m going to change and time just gives me the opportunity to make the adjustments necessary to accept and learn how to live without her. I am comforted by the scriptures. I read in D&C 109:76 tonight "That our garments may be pure, that we may be clothed upon with robes of righteousness, with palms in our hands, and crowns of glory upon our heads, and reap eternal joy for all our sufferings." That sounds cool, but it's not today ... not tonight, so how do I find the strength to hold on and pass the time?